The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
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A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint