Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
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It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.