The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
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Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)