I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
You Might Also Like
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
All set.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.