Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
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[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.