[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
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Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.