WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
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squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.