Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
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Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Planet of the Apps.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.