Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
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Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else