If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
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Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Last-minute gift idea!
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
peep davidson
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge