me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
You Might Also Like
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Become ungovernable.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please