her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
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Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
#oldknees
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg