me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
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[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
The legends speak of a third Duran…