Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
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we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
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Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.