ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
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Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁