there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Erm I’m gonna say no
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.