pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
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I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.