[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
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[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
yes, those are my real potatoes.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*