Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
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This kid is a star!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Only short people can save us
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.