if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
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Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try