this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
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Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
You deplete me
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Why is this me 😫
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies