“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
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“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime