Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
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Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
2022 will be better than 2021
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.