me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
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The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Dance like you’re not the father
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
*looks at you in batman voice*
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.