Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
You Might Also Like
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Love this one 😂🧟
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?