Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
You Might Also Like
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
i made a craigslist ad !
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!