I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
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I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay