Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
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You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual