[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
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Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
my retirement plan is braless
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever