Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
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jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Bruh PLEASE
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Goat cheese is for herders.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.