“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
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doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
grotesque if literal: baby food
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am