If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
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Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”