My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
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Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
The news in a nutshell.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.