[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
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Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
That took me a moment.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.