Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
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Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
So creative 😂