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#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?