*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
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Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
no one ever comes back
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.