Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
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If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]