Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
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“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
inventing words: clothing
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
How does one answer this?
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop