There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
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Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
two people or more is called a problem
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.