I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
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NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.