Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
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Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle