My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
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him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
HELP 😭
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe