[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
You Might Also Like
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
THIS HEADLINE
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I’ve been learning to cook.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
How to make infinite energy.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?