‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
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The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”