Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
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[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0