This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
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guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.