[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
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Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.