My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
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Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
reminder
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.