I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
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I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
road rage
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!